Today after work J and I are going out for dinner downtown with a bunch of his friends. I'm excited to go, but at the same time, I can't help but wonder if I should really be going. I mean, I don't exactly have any flex in my budget this month. What with the moving expenses and getting set up in my new place, I'm already massively over budget. I told him how I felt, and he is insisting on treating me to dinner. Which makes me feel even worse.
It's not like I'm poor, but it brings up an interesting question that maybe all you PFers can answer for me: how do you deal with this kind of situation? I feel like whenever I tell someone (anyone, not just the BF) that I'm "trying to save money," or that I "just don't have the cash this month" to do whatever they are asking me to do, I feel like a charity case; like I'm hinting that they should pay for me or something. It's an awkward feeling, because that's not how I feel at all.
In this case, we're having dinner with 8 of his friends, and he really wants me to go. I really want to go. But I feel guilty. Whether I end up paying, or he pays for me, I can't shake this crappy feeling. Like the money spent on dinner would probably be better off saved. Do I want to eat a nice dinner, or do I want to become a property owner?
I know that sometimes I can be a little too much when it comes to saving money, so I should probably just ease up and have fun tonight. It's not like we go out often to dinner. But still.
***EDIT***
You guys know me better than I know myself. I've blogged about this very topic before. I do need to learn how to find a balance in my life, I just don't know how. The responsible side of me wants to save every cent I have ... but the 25 yr. old side of me wants to go out and have fun and be young. It's so hard.
In 10 months, I eliminated $17,223 worth of debt. As of May 11th, 2007, I am 100% debt-free! Thanks for following along. :)
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Tough situation. If this is a rare thing, you should be able to get over the guilt (either way). If it is a common occurrence, you are going to have to figure out how to deal with it so you don't feel guilty each time it happens. How? I have no idea!
My boyfriend is a grad student so he never spends money. I make more than him, but due to my aggressive savings goals, neither of us are careless with spending. When I want to do something with him that he can't afford, sometimes I pay for him--it isn't a big deal. You could offer to do something non monetary for him (massage, cook, etc), but I find that doesn't always really feel like you are "paying him back" because those are things you would do anyway.
cough cough
are you getting sick??
maybe you couldn't go out because you're sick :)
But I've been in the same boat at work when co-workers are eating out. Even when I have packed my lunch for the day, I still end up buying something.
Peer pressure is a beyotch
You have blogged about this before and your torn feelings about either saving money for your down payment or going out with friends, whether it's for dinner or to a pub, or whatever.
In this case, I would thank J for picking up my tab and have a good time at dinner with he and his friends. You want to go, so go and don't feel guilty. Enjoy the night out.
You have to find a balance between your social life and your saving life. If J and his friends met for dinnner every week, that may be a different story, dinners out can get expensive, no matter who pays. The other options are to meet them for lunch on the weekends or for coffee and dessert. While you may be happy staying in watching a DVD or TV on a regular basis, J may like going out to dinner with his friends.
I would guess at this point from what you have written that J understands your financial goals and you should not have to make excuses if you bow out of a meal with he and his friends because you choose to save your money. The flip side is you are in a relationship and in relationships people do go out to meals, spend money, etc. It can be a little easier to say to friends I have to skip this night out because I just don't have it in my budget this week than it can to say it to a boy or girlfriend. If J can afford to treat you and wants to treat your, let him.
Plus as you establish new relationships and friends in your new city,it may entail going out and spending money that you may want to earmark for your downpayment or other fund until you find those with the similar financial mindset.
As others have posted before, everyone saves money for a different reason, and it all depends on what you want to give up to get what you want.
I wish I had a better answer, you have to find the balance that works for you.
It's all about balance -- and this is going to make me sound like a really bad person -- but hello, he's your boyfriend, he's supposed to pay. Especially if he asks you out to a meal with him and his friends. Honestly, that's how I got through college - dates!
That said, now I'm married and we go for dessert or apps, not dinner because it's cheaper and we still get the fun of going out.
wow - you got great, and thoughtful, responses. My only addition would be to try this, at a time when the situation isn't immediately confronting you:
1. Decide for yourself under what terms and conditions you will go out (I don't mean that as formal as it sounds - I just mean, set your own parameters)
2. Come up with a few cool 'lines' to use when the situation arises. Personally, if someone ever declined a meal out with me and told me they were saving up for a house within two or three years, and they'd used their monthly dinner-out or whatever, I'd cheer the person on.
Dont feel guilty at all.Let him treat you well because there will be times you will be treating him no other. When I was dating with my husband, he was very generous to me and seemed never minded but I always had that guilty feeling. Once it's your turn to give pleasure of giving will be even greater.Bottom line is Go and Have fun girl!
In our age it's so hard to stay social, after all our "fun" revolves around spending money --> shopping with friends, dinners, bars etc. Anyone who stays at home on a Saturday night is a loser or something, almost like in high school. I think the balance is trying to find compromises -- i.e if you went out to dinner, make up for it by packing your own lunch to work the rest of the week. or vowing to only spend a certain amount while you're out. Just because your friends got drinks AND an appetizer doesn't mean you have to. It is the same way in my social set too, I'm sometimes hesitant to just say "I'm on a budget"...so sometimes I just make up an excuse like I have to work late or whatever.
Just to throw this out there, but are men not allowed to just take women out anymore? For goodness sake! If he wants you to go out with him and his friends, and he offers to pay, then GO! This isn't about saving anymore. You can let your boyfriend take you out sometimes, whatever his reasons, and not feel guilty.
I think you need to put a little more towards your monthly "entertainment" budget.
Also, start playing the "found money" game. I do this all the time. Found money is when I get a reimbursement check for expenses (typically mileage) from work. Use the "found money" to either augment your savings or increase your monthly "entertainment" and eating out budget.
I understand how you feel about $$ and relationships. I always had a tough time accepting gifts or letting someone pay all the expenses when dating. At the sametime, I've had friends who have had no problem dating guys who've given them $1000 handbags and paid for trips to Europe and Asia.
It really is up to you and what you feel most comfortable with. The key is communication. Perhaps the next time J and friends want to do something, it could be a pot luck or dinner at someone's home where the cost isn't as much as a spendy restaurant where drinks, dinner, dessert and coffee could set you back a few bucks.
In the meantime, enjoy. A dinner out every so often won't delay your hope to become a home owner. It is when it becomes dinner out every night all week - week after week after week.